Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Clinging to the beam

I saw this video this morning on Donald Miller's blog. I felt that it best described where I've been living in my walk with God for the past few years...

If you know me, you probably know that several years ago we had a really bad experience in ministry. I trusted people, put myself out there and threw myself into the building of a church. I'm not going back into everything that happened in this post. I'm mainly addressing my reaction to the unraveling of what I thought were real friendships. That and the shattering of my perception of what the organized institutional church is all about...and what it is to be a pastor. I believed DEEPLY in all of these things.

Unfortunately, as a result of these very difficult lessons, I decided that I would just hang onto the "balance beam"...not put myself out there, not trust people...particularly pastors and church staff. I've done a fair job of appearing to be "out there for God", but I've been playing it safe, holding back, not letting people...particularly church people, in.

The thing is, I don't want to play it safe...I don't want to hang onto the beam, ease myself to the floor and then stand up like I nailed the dismount. I'm not concerned about being judged harshly for playing it safe. God knows my heart, I just don't believe I'm called to live a safe and comfortable life...I don't see that in the lives of people in the scriptures. I don't pretend to fully know what all of this means, but I do feel like it's time to get back up and start standing on the beam. If I figure out what that looks like I'll be sure to write about it here.