Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Clinging to the beam

I saw this video this morning on Donald Miller's blog. I felt that it best described where I've been living in my walk with God for the past few years...



If you know me, you probably know that several years ago we had a really bad experience in ministry. I trusted people, put myself out there and threw myself into the building of a church. I'm not going back into everything that happened in this post. I'm mainly addressing my reaction to the unraveling of what I thought were real friendships. That and the shattering of my perception of what the organized institutional church is all about...and what it is to be a pastor. I believed DEEPLY in all of these things.

Unfortunately, as a result of these very difficult lessons, I decided that I would just hang onto the "balance beam"...not put myself out there, not trust people...particularly pastors and church staff. I've done a fair job of appearing to be "out there for God", but I've been playing it safe, holding back, not letting people...particularly church people, in.

The thing is, I don't want to play it safe...I don't want to hang onto the beam, ease myself to the floor and then stand up like I nailed the dismount. I'm not concerned about being judged harshly for playing it safe. God knows my heart, I just don't believe I'm called to live a safe and comfortable life...I don't see that in the lives of people in the scriptures. I don't pretend to fully know what all of this means, but I do feel like it's time to get back up and start standing on the beam. If I figure out what that looks like I'll be sure to write about it here.

Blessings,
Brandon

12 comments:

Angela said...

Reading this warmed my heart today- been praying for you for many things as always, but my heart has always hurt for you regarding that experience. I have prayed that (in His time) the wounds would "scar up" and supply you with added strength and resolution.

Looking forward to seeing what will come from your "letting go of the beam" again.

Brandon said...

Thanks Angela, I'm looking forward to whatever God will do with "letting go" too. I know He has already used our negative experiences to minister to other church leaders that have had similar experiences. Maybe that's the main point of it all...

I appreciate your prayers GREATLY!!!

Africa08 said...

A couple of years ago, I remember a very good friend told me that he was trying to teach a group of kids about what it meant to be a "reckless follower of Jesus". Being reckless can be the scariest, yet the most amazing, freeing and exhilirating experience all at the same time. You are my brother and I want to encourage you to stand on the beam, and even if you fall flat on your face, get up and stand again, and again and again. You have been given a unique gift of being able to see through all of the Bravo Sierra and get to the heart of a matter. Being able to do this in your own life and the lives of others is a risky thing, some might say "reckless", yet here you are. Just let go and do it. Miss and love you guys.

Brandon said...

Your timing is interesting...Heather and I were talking about this last night over dinner. I'm still finding it difficult to really trust people. Sometimes I'm not even sure I want to get back "out there" where people are concerned. Although you guys are proof that there are other people who are real. I think you're right that I can usually see through BS. I think that's part of what makes me so leery now, I never saw the BS...although part of the problem is that I didn't WANT to see it.

We love and miss you guys too! We can't wait to see ya'll this fall!

Brandon said...

PS- Where is that guy who was talking about teaching others to wrecklessly follow Jesus???? :-)

Africa08 said...

Clinging to the beam....

Brandon said...

Yeah, I guess you're right. That made me laugh...

I thought about this topic today, I got a call today from a guy from church. He starts telling me how so and so told him about me and we live close by each other and he was just looking to connect with me and wondered if I was interested in that and when did I think we could get together...I'm thinking, okay cool, someone close by that's looking to connect with another person for fellowship, kingdom conversations etc...it all sounded interesting until he starts talking about how he sells insurance and "how many employees do I have" and "maybe I can save your business some money"...in my mind I'm thinking, seriously??? A sales call???
And that's the problem. I'm tired of the sales call, the punch line, the catch, the agenda. In 30 seconds this conversation went from positive anticipation to how do I avoid wasting my time meeting this guy...I don't know, maybe that's the wrong question, maybe he can save me some money and maybe that's the point of his call...seriously...maybe I'm the one with the agenda.
I'm looking for people with no hidden agenda and perhaps for most that's just too high of an expectation to have. I know I'm missing a very big "Ah ha" moment in all of this. God is showing me something that I have yet to see fully...chances are the problem really is mine, it's almost never other people.

Perhaps this is it, maybe I'm looking for something in people that only God Himself can provide...How many times have I seen that in others? Think I'll pray about that one.

Thanks bro...

Africa08 said...

I am definitely feeling you on the whole thing of wanting to have friendships with people who don't want a thing from you. I am not exactly sure what it is you are needing right now. I know you felt really, well maybe stupid, for lack of a better way to put it, after everything with the last ministry experience came to light. And I certainly would be the last person in your life to tell you, "Hey, just let it go, get back on the horse", because if we are cutting the crap, that kind of thing hangs with you for a long time. When you have someone who is a mentor figure in your life and then you find out that things are not what they seem, I know I would feel like an idiot, and probably be as mad at myself as I was at the other parties involved. As I sit here thinking about what you wrote in the last comment, I am wanting to somehow be an encouragement to you, but the only thing that comes to mind is one question. Have you forgiven them? You sound like you are in prison. You sound like you want to be able to get out there again and do what you were made to do, but something is holding you back. I don't know, I just thought I would ask.

Brandon said...

Yeah, stupid is a good way of putting it. :) I think much of what I finally saw in my "mentor" was something that I tried to ignor for a long time...and THAT does really bother me. Great insights bro.

You do encourage me and I appreciate that...I'm not the only one that got taken advantage of. As far as forgiveness goes, yes and no. My mentor is not even really the problem for me. I have forgiven him and really accepted the blame for much of what I chose not to see. I think I tried to make him something that her is not.

The other two I'm not so sure of, we still continue to be on the receiving end of the fruits of their "ministry"...I'm not sure if unforgiveness is the issue, but I'm willing to investigate it. I know that it can cause lots of long term issues if it's not dealt with. In writing this out I'm wondering if my expectations for the other two isn't nore than they're capable of as well. They treat their family members as badly as they did/do us. It's sad, and when I'm not really just ticked off (WAY filtered) at them I pray that God would open their eyes.

I do still feel like I'm holding back and that's frustrating...if the tables were turned I might be telling me to put on my "big girl panties" and move on! When I write about it this seems like it should be so simple...

Africa08 said...

You would think it would be that simple, but the truth is, it's not. I know what you mean about the others. I know that being close with the recently married child, you probably see and hear a lot, just like I have from the new son in law. It is very frustrating to say the least. I don't know what to say really. The hypocrisy of the situation can drive you insane, if you dwell on it to much. At some point though, you are going to need to let go of it and walk away and not look back. I think maybe that has been what you have been attempting to do for the last couple of years, and for whatever reason, you turn around and it is still following you. I don't know what you need to do to get past this thing. I wish I had the answer for you. I hate to see this thing continue to ride you. Betrayal sucks.

Brandon said...

Yes it does...

Although they didn't ever turn me over to be put to death for 30 silver coins...I suppose Jesus understands this betrayal thing huh???

Brandon said...

Another thought or two.
Several times now, when we start to stamp the dust from our feet and walk away, Heather will get a card or an email or some form of contact...what do you do? Tell em' they used up all of our grace??? Obviously that's rhetorical, but it's been a wierd pattern.

That's made it much harder to move on, that and the fact that I would love to see them set free from all of this junk too....besides we have a great relationship with their daughters and son in law.

I know it's unfair to put this crazy behavior on others...there are other people like that, but not everyone is.

As wierd as it may sound, it does help to put this out here...it's probably good that only a few people read this blog! LOL!